A rose for my unsung muse...

It was a long and lonely holiday as usual. My heart was only filled with a void of uncertainty. I didnt like this holiday. It was cold and lonely for me. There are certain people in life that sometimes just sticks to you. No matter how much you hurt them or ignore them (although you didnt want to) they just happen to stick with you despite everything that youve done. In a personal dinner (rare event btw) with my mom, she told me of her love relationship with my father. how it developed and how they came to understanding each other. I know one thing for sure, my dad was not an easy guy and he was lucky to have met my mom who understood every fibre of his existence without questions or doubt accepted him wholeheartedly.

People are only as lucky in fairy tales. The usual uncertain yet inaliable truth that meeting someone who is willing to accept you totally as you are and what you can or cannot do and what you want and do not want to do. These are the people you should hold onto. My mom in the middle of all her ramblings about relationship caught my attention on one particular point. "Love should never ever be associated with guilt." It caught me like athunder straight from heaven blisterring my heart. What if we already did something wrong? Do we move on? maybe we should. Moving on is the simplest thing ever to do. You close your eyes and then you forget.

The guilt i feel now is merely out of the fact that i hurt the people i love. Why? because i used to think that i was invincible (really strong not cannot be seen duh!) and that nothing could hurt me. I was afraid, scared, terrified and petrified that if i let my gurad down just a little while, letting in people, those i might trust, rely and love, when they leave, i will no longer be invicible. I will be human. A mere mortal afraid of the usual pain in life,. So i pushed the people in my life away. Those i know i could not love, i kept close, and those i knew would love me more than i can ever love myself, i push away, far far away.

My brother aked me "Is loneliness a price you are willing to pay for invincibility?" I told him, the devil has no emotion, even messengers of god has no emotion. Why? because emotion corrupts the mind. Our emotion always gets the better of us and in a moment of stupidity, we let our emotions get the better of us. Humans are stronger without emotions!!! this was my answer to him. Little that i know, i was setting myself up to be the biggest idiot in the world.

Ive let one person into my life. Someone i have held back and pushed away so many times and in so many ways, yet my "unsung muse" has stayed throughout everything.

she was there so many times before and she was always there to guide me through everything. She held my light close when i was in the dark. Thanks for always being there for me. I love you and i hope your light shines upon me forever.

p/s - This letter was written by a dolphin lover.....