Its not the darkness that will rip me of my light. its not the coldness that will freeze me. Should i regret the promises i made when eveything was great. Now everything is different. I was hurt. So easily it was almost impossible....
let the times fly... leaving us and everything behind... let everything else be beautiful... let everything else be beautiful.... maybe we shared the same dreams... maybe what i felt were all lies...
i bit my lip hard and i wrap my wounds the moment you left... I strengthen myself even though your shadow haunts my dreams... now... i just wanna forget eveything.. ill wrap my wounds with my tears until they heal by themselves...
Where is true love? That used to give me tranquility.... how long do i have to wait? you left and you might never come back... and i cried and i was hurt when... you were gone... everything has passed... along with my wounds... everything that has ended... it will never again be the same...
I was the one who was weak without you... i was the one who was vulnerable because the love that was lost from you... as long as my eyes are open.. until my heart stops beating... that is how long i will keep you in my memory...
let me stay here i just want to shine your night... let me stay here to sing for you and i know youre smile is for me...
Forgive me for not understanding the meaning of your anger... trying to understand what you feel.. forgive me for coming into your life.. trying to find a crack to occupy in your heart... i know i will never be able to be the man you want me to be... but as long there is air in my breath.. ill keep trying...
These are Malay lyrics translated into English with a few adjustments made... enjoy :)
Monday, December 18, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
A rose for my unsung muse...
It was a long and lonely holiday as usual. My heart was only filled with a void of uncertainty. I didnt like this holiday. It was cold and lonely for me. There are certain people in life that sometimes just sticks to you. No matter how much you hurt them or ignore them (although you didnt want to) they just happen to stick with you despite everything that youve done. In a personal dinner (rare event btw) with my mom, she told me of her love relationship with my father. how it developed and how they came to understanding each other. I know one thing for sure, my dad was not an easy guy and he was lucky to have met my mom who understood every fibre of his existence without questions or doubt accepted him wholeheartedly.
People are only as lucky in fairy tales. The usual uncertain yet inaliable truth that meeting someone who is willing to accept you totally as you are and what you can or cannot do and what you want and do not want to do. These are the people you should hold onto. My mom in the middle of all her ramblings about relationship caught my attention on one particular point. "Love should never ever be associated with guilt." It caught me like athunder straight from heaven blisterring my heart. What if we already did something wrong? Do we move on? maybe we should. Moving on is the simplest thing ever to do. You close your eyes and then you forget.
The guilt i feel now is merely out of the fact that i hurt the people i love. Why? because i used to think that i was invincible (really strong not cannot be seen duh!) and that nothing could hurt me. I was afraid, scared, terrified and petrified that if i let my gurad down just a little while, letting in people, those i might trust, rely and love, when they leave, i will no longer be invicible. I will be human. A mere mortal afraid of the usual pain in life,. So i pushed the people in my life away. Those i know i could not love, i kept close, and those i knew would love me more than i can ever love myself, i push away, far far away.
My brother aked me "Is loneliness a price you are willing to pay for invincibility?" I told him, the devil has no emotion, even messengers of god has no emotion. Why? because emotion corrupts the mind. Our emotion always gets the better of us and in a moment of stupidity, we let our emotions get the better of us. Humans are stronger without emotions!!! this was my answer to him. Little that i know, i was setting myself up to be the biggest idiot in the world.
Ive let one person into my life. Someone i have held back and pushed away so many times and in so many ways, yet my "unsung muse" has stayed throughout everything.
she was there so many times before and she was always there to guide me through everything. She held my light close when i was in the dark. Thanks for always being there for me. I love you and i hope your light shines upon me forever.
p/s - This letter was written by a dolphin lover.....
People are only as lucky in fairy tales. The usual uncertain yet inaliable truth that meeting someone who is willing to accept you totally as you are and what you can or cannot do and what you want and do not want to do. These are the people you should hold onto. My mom in the middle of all her ramblings about relationship caught my attention on one particular point. "Love should never ever be associated with guilt." It caught me like athunder straight from heaven blisterring my heart. What if we already did something wrong? Do we move on? maybe we should. Moving on is the simplest thing ever to do. You close your eyes and then you forget.
The guilt i feel now is merely out of the fact that i hurt the people i love. Why? because i used to think that i was invincible (really strong not cannot be seen duh!) and that nothing could hurt me. I was afraid, scared, terrified and petrified that if i let my gurad down just a little while, letting in people, those i might trust, rely and love, when they leave, i will no longer be invicible. I will be human. A mere mortal afraid of the usual pain in life,. So i pushed the people in my life away. Those i know i could not love, i kept close, and those i knew would love me more than i can ever love myself, i push away, far far away.
My brother aked me "Is loneliness a price you are willing to pay for invincibility?" I told him, the devil has no emotion, even messengers of god has no emotion. Why? because emotion corrupts the mind. Our emotion always gets the better of us and in a moment of stupidity, we let our emotions get the better of us. Humans are stronger without emotions!!! this was my answer to him. Little that i know, i was setting myself up to be the biggest idiot in the world.
Ive let one person into my life. Someone i have held back and pushed away so many times and in so many ways, yet my "unsung muse" has stayed throughout everything.
she was there so many times before and she was always there to guide me through everything. She held my light close when i was in the dark. Thanks for always being there for me. I love you and i hope your light shines upon me forever.
p/s - This letter was written by a dolphin lover.....
Friday, August 04, 2006
Its not about you...
Everyday we're given the option of whether we would feel like someones writing about us. We have this image in our head that we are important enough to be talked about. We're not. face it. To anyone who thinks i've been writing about them, heres what i say, ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!! its never about you. Its just what i wanted to write. If you think im accusing of something in my blog, Im not! And if you didnt do it... Why are you even defending yourself?
To on more recent events. I havent been able to post anything new since the internet have been down. I should probably say the internet servers in my college has been down. I have this friend who in other words felt as if she has been betrayed. I told her that most of the time the people around you would stab your back the instant they have power (majority in other words). If the wrong people has majority then how do we tell them they're doing something wrong. A moment of timeless tales when someone with power would actually listen to you. People dont care about how you feel, they never cared. True friends make decision based on based on proffesionalism, true, but also put a personal touch on it. If you want to be professional be professional all through everything. Be professional through all the explaining of your decision. Stop running and acting as if nothing was wrong and quit blaming majority for the decision. You had swayed that decision that way, so, explain!! Stop being a hypocrite.
People spend all their lives telling themselves that they deserve the best in life. Trust me when i tell you that NO ONE DESERVES IT! no one. If you ever thought something bad about somebody then you dont deserve it (even if it means for a second you think youre better than someone else) If you've ever thought that you're doing something right and nothing is wrong with it (you dont deserve it) if you think for a moment that youre a centre of attetion of even one person (you dont deserve it)
If you look closely, all the things mentioned above are all the reasons that you will never have the best in life. Life has so much to offer, so dont be naive, you havent even touched the surface of what the world has to offer. My brother once told me the life is unfair. And i told him if life is unfair so how do people live through it? he said we stop expecting the best of life, and start to settle for simpler things.
I never believed him but somehow (as he always does) he has proven me wrong. FUCK the system!! the system of life, beaurocracy, fuck the pyramid of heirarchy, fuck constant leadership. Unless we find leaders who are capable then we are as incompetent as the next leader we appoint.
There are probably only a few consolation in life. A loved one who refuses to hate you despite all the dark things youve done, that girl or guy you passed in a hallway who smiles, and lastly, your friends.
Today i am writing about someone, someone very close to my heart. Someone i know has done something so honorable. Someone i know is strong. I can offer you only friendship. And with that i pledge allegiance. Be strong because when ever you feel as if youre alone, youre not. i bet there are at least a dozen people who've gone through the same thing you have.
It's just ten percent luckTwenty percent skillFifteen percent concentrated power of willFive percent pleasureFifty percent painAnd a hundred percent reason to remember the name....
Remember this and youll be fine.....
To on more recent events. I havent been able to post anything new since the internet have been down. I should probably say the internet servers in my college has been down. I have this friend who in other words felt as if she has been betrayed. I told her that most of the time the people around you would stab your back the instant they have power (majority in other words). If the wrong people has majority then how do we tell them they're doing something wrong. A moment of timeless tales when someone with power would actually listen to you. People dont care about how you feel, they never cared. True friends make decision based on based on proffesionalism, true, but also put a personal touch on it. If you want to be professional be professional all through everything. Be professional through all the explaining of your decision. Stop running and acting as if nothing was wrong and quit blaming majority for the decision. You had swayed that decision that way, so, explain!! Stop being a hypocrite.
People spend all their lives telling themselves that they deserve the best in life. Trust me when i tell you that NO ONE DESERVES IT! no one. If you ever thought something bad about somebody then you dont deserve it (even if it means for a second you think youre better than someone else) If you've ever thought that you're doing something right and nothing is wrong with it (you dont deserve it) if you think for a moment that youre a centre of attetion of even one person (you dont deserve it)
If you look closely, all the things mentioned above are all the reasons that you will never have the best in life. Life has so much to offer, so dont be naive, you havent even touched the surface of what the world has to offer. My brother once told me the life is unfair. And i told him if life is unfair so how do people live through it? he said we stop expecting the best of life, and start to settle for simpler things.
I never believed him but somehow (as he always does) he has proven me wrong. FUCK the system!! the system of life, beaurocracy, fuck the pyramid of heirarchy, fuck constant leadership. Unless we find leaders who are capable then we are as incompetent as the next leader we appoint.
There are probably only a few consolation in life. A loved one who refuses to hate you despite all the dark things youve done, that girl or guy you passed in a hallway who smiles, and lastly, your friends.
Today i am writing about someone, someone very close to my heart. Someone i know has done something so honorable. Someone i know is strong. I can offer you only friendship. And with that i pledge allegiance. Be strong because when ever you feel as if youre alone, youre not. i bet there are at least a dozen people who've gone through the same thing you have.
It's just ten percent luckTwenty percent skillFifteen percent concentrated power of willFive percent pleasureFifty percent painAnd a hundred percent reason to remember the name....
Remember this and youll be fine.....
Watching you walk away...
I had been trying to write this letter so many times before. Every time I felt like this relationship was going to end. I had thought about what to write to you. And tell you what’s in my head. In truth I couldn’t get down in words. What I thought I had surpassed in the past always comes to haunt you. A while ago I was talking to my senior and the topic of women popped up a few times. But we focused more on the fact of life. We talked more about past experiences and past knowledge and past ideas.
He said to one thing that I kept in heart. When ever you feel like you’re losing someone and the feeling of hate anger and depression comes into play try thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And ask yourself whether it was anything compared to that. In secrecy I started to compare my feelings of losing you and the feeling of losing my father. And I begin to realize that, if I had to choose between losing you and losing my father, I’d rather had loved you and lost you in life then lose my father in death.
I had postponed my feelings and thoughts thinking that I might say the wrong things and lose you. I had postponed my feelings of not being able to tell you what I felt every time you were here with me and that had brought distortions in our relationship. I hate the feeling of losing someone. But what I hate more is the feeling of losing someone who loves me entirely without rules or regulations. If someone wants to leave you, because they can’t stand the fact that you’re being yourself with them, then, there is no reason to ask them to stay. Changing who you are and what you mean to others is never the way to go through life. Off course in your professional life there comes a time when change is inevitable, but in love, you don’t change what you love, you love what you love and hang on for dear life even if it means tears and even if it means life itself is slipping by your hand.
I had postponed writing this letter, to those who have ever left me, it is not for those who hated me, it is not for those who despised me, but for those who thought they loved me. Did they ever really did love me? If so why was I left behind? Because I refused to change who I was? Or is it because it was just not meant to be? Everything happens for a reason, but it’s not a reason to believe that we don’t need to work to gain what we want. To work is to understand no matter what. To work is to try no matter how scared you are. To work is never have to justify your actions and to work is find hope in the darkest places in life.
I had postponed writing this letter because I was not sure how I felt. I am, almost never sure. But I also realize that as much as I want to keep people I love close to me, they always end up leaving. My father once said to me that there will come a day when we would lose him, I had denied it to myself telling myself that my father was superman and that he would live forever, always there to hug me, hold me, comfort me, and be the strict, calm and confident man I have learned to admire. But the last lesson he taught me was simple, no matter how much someone loves you, there will come a time in life that they will leave, whether they leave you in death or they just decided to stop loving you, they will leave, but what matters most is how you cope with the feeling of losing someone.
I had postponed writing this letter because, because I had stopped living. I had forgotten the most important lesson my father taught me. The way that my father had left his last lesson was off course the way he left me and my family. My little brother (10 when my father died) always slept in fathers’ bed in my fathers’ clothes. I was angered at the fact that he had denied the fact he was gone. Then he said to me something that made me cry for the next few days. As I was beating him up angrily he said “because I can still hear him” I cried, because I realized that by admitting he was gone, I was killing him all over again. Then I realized, my father, a man who had loved unconditionally, left me with knowledge and that he was to live forever. But no, what’s lost is meant to be lost. He left, and he left behind a lot of things and I thank him for all the things he left behind and all the things I have today.
I had postponed writing this letter because I was sorry. I am sorry because I didn’t have the courage to change to save the people that I loved. I had always imagined that as I grew up I would get stronger and that I can protect everybody in my life. But I can’t.
I had postponed writing this letter because I am sorry for all the people that had loved me and was hurt by my unwillingness to change, for my unwillingness to state a commitment, for my unwillingness to be braver, for my unwillingness to make a decision.
I had written this letter because I know now that it’s time to move on. To let those who want to leave, to leave. Maybe, I’ll regret making such a decision but at least now, I’m braver, to let go, to let live, to make a decision and move on.
He said to one thing that I kept in heart. When ever you feel like you’re losing someone and the feeling of hate anger and depression comes into play try thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And ask yourself whether it was anything compared to that. In secrecy I started to compare my feelings of losing you and the feeling of losing my father. And I begin to realize that, if I had to choose between losing you and losing my father, I’d rather had loved you and lost you in life then lose my father in death.
I had postponed my feelings and thoughts thinking that I might say the wrong things and lose you. I had postponed my feelings of not being able to tell you what I felt every time you were here with me and that had brought distortions in our relationship. I hate the feeling of losing someone. But what I hate more is the feeling of losing someone who loves me entirely without rules or regulations. If someone wants to leave you, because they can’t stand the fact that you’re being yourself with them, then, there is no reason to ask them to stay. Changing who you are and what you mean to others is never the way to go through life. Off course in your professional life there comes a time when change is inevitable, but in love, you don’t change what you love, you love what you love and hang on for dear life even if it means tears and even if it means life itself is slipping by your hand.
I had postponed writing this letter, to those who have ever left me, it is not for those who hated me, it is not for those who despised me, but for those who thought they loved me. Did they ever really did love me? If so why was I left behind? Because I refused to change who I was? Or is it because it was just not meant to be? Everything happens for a reason, but it’s not a reason to believe that we don’t need to work to gain what we want. To work is to understand no matter what. To work is to try no matter how scared you are. To work is never have to justify your actions and to work is find hope in the darkest places in life.
I had postponed writing this letter because I was not sure how I felt. I am, almost never sure. But I also realize that as much as I want to keep people I love close to me, they always end up leaving. My father once said to me that there will come a day when we would lose him, I had denied it to myself telling myself that my father was superman and that he would live forever, always there to hug me, hold me, comfort me, and be the strict, calm and confident man I have learned to admire. But the last lesson he taught me was simple, no matter how much someone loves you, there will come a time in life that they will leave, whether they leave you in death or they just decided to stop loving you, they will leave, but what matters most is how you cope with the feeling of losing someone.
I had postponed writing this letter because, because I had stopped living. I had forgotten the most important lesson my father taught me. The way that my father had left his last lesson was off course the way he left me and my family. My little brother (10 when my father died) always slept in fathers’ bed in my fathers’ clothes. I was angered at the fact that he had denied the fact he was gone. Then he said to me something that made me cry for the next few days. As I was beating him up angrily he said “because I can still hear him” I cried, because I realized that by admitting he was gone, I was killing him all over again. Then I realized, my father, a man who had loved unconditionally, left me with knowledge and that he was to live forever. But no, what’s lost is meant to be lost. He left, and he left behind a lot of things and I thank him for all the things he left behind and all the things I have today.
I had postponed writing this letter because I was sorry. I am sorry because I didn’t have the courage to change to save the people that I loved. I had always imagined that as I grew up I would get stronger and that I can protect everybody in my life. But I can’t.
I had postponed writing this letter because I am sorry for all the people that had loved me and was hurt by my unwillingness to change, for my unwillingness to state a commitment, for my unwillingness to be braver, for my unwillingness to make a decision.
I had written this letter because I know now that it’s time to move on. To let those who want to leave, to leave. Maybe, I’ll regret making such a decision but at least now, I’m braver, to let go, to let live, to make a decision and move on.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Wishing I was looking from the other side...
Almost everyone in this world (well at least the world im living in now) knows what they want in life. Their answers are relatively simple, a degree, a job, a high salary, find someone they love, marry and have kids. Most people ahve their lives mapped out when they reach university and i.. am a man who despite his best efforts has not been able to see through the problem. I have not planned my life. I always tell myself the more i plan, the more problems i see will arise, so i refuse to plan. But i once read that "if you fail to plan then your planning to fail." true? possibly.
I was never the nice guy kind. I had always seen myself as a lazy fucking bastard who cant keep his mouth shut! but i also tell myself that i have to change. I am surrounded by hypocrites. I dont know why i blurted that out. Most people that are around me try to potray something about themselves that in reality isnt really them. Actors in the stage of life. hypocrites.
Who should i believe. My instinct has proven me wrong a few times. So what should i do. Despite my best efforts people has not acknowledge what i can do but prefer to focus on what i cannot do. Then there is no quality, there is no fairness....
Life is nver fair..... so stop asking it to be....
I was never the nice guy kind. I had always seen myself as a lazy fucking bastard who cant keep his mouth shut! but i also tell myself that i have to change. I am surrounded by hypocrites. I dont know why i blurted that out. Most people that are around me try to potray something about themselves that in reality isnt really them. Actors in the stage of life. hypocrites.
Who should i believe. My instinct has proven me wrong a few times. So what should i do. Despite my best efforts people has not acknowledge what i can do but prefer to focus on what i cannot do. Then there is no quality, there is no fairness....
Life is nver fair..... so stop asking it to be....
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Jason Lo - Operator (the line is dead)
Jason Lo - Operator The Line Is Dead
I guess I never wanted this
Another ever-after kiss
Oh operator, the line is dead
Oh no, it's only me and all the walls
Inside my head
And for the record I was lost
With only one line I could not cross
And that's the road that takes me here
Oh no, and not again
This where I started
I need you I'm for you
You threw me I caught you
Don't leave me and say that
You want to find a way back
Believe me I followed all you said
Oh operator the line is dead
How come you never walk away
When everybody bought but I paid
You're not the one who left me here
Oh no, that was me and all the things
I wanted
But now I find you different
You broke up all the walls in my head
Please don't go
Let me near
I need you
I'm for youYou threw me I caught you
Don't leave me and say that
You want to find a way back
Believe me I followed all you said
Oh operator the line is dead
I guess I never wanted this
Another ever-after kiss
Oh operator, the line is dead
Oh no, it's only me it's only me
It's only..
A song written by our own Jason Lo. A statement of a one sided relationship and should be a reminder to al. For me, a literary work that everyone can connect to....
Friday, January 06, 2006
My fear.... Our Fears
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we powerful beyond measure
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
Our deepest fear is that we powerful beyond measure
It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us
You playing small does not serve the world
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won’t feel insecure around you
We were all meant to shine as children do
It’s not just in some of us it’s in every one
And as we let our own light shine
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same
As we are liberated from our own fears
Our presence automatically liberates others
(taken from coach carter)
This verse/poem/monolog was in the Movie Coach Carter. It defines myself very highly. Few reasons why I'm scared of commitment in the first place. My biggest fear is not that I am inadequate, my biggest fear is that I;m powerful beyond measure....
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