Watching you walk away...

I had been trying to write this letter so many times before. Every time I felt like this relationship was going to end. I had thought about what to write to you. And tell you what’s in my head. In truth I couldn’t get down in words. What I thought I had surpassed in the past always comes to haunt you. A while ago I was talking to my senior and the topic of women popped up a few times. But we focused more on the fact of life. We talked more about past experiences and past knowledge and past ideas.
He said to one thing that I kept in heart. When ever you feel like you’re losing someone and the feeling of hate anger and depression comes into play try thinking about the worst thing that has ever happened to you. And ask yourself whether it was anything compared to that. In secrecy I started to compare my feelings of losing you and the feeling of losing my father. And I begin to realize that, if I had to choose between losing you and losing my father, I’d rather had loved you and lost you in life then lose my father in death.
I had postponed my feelings and thoughts thinking that I might say the wrong things and lose you. I had postponed my feelings of not being able to tell you what I felt every time you were here with me and that had brought distortions in our relationship. I hate the feeling of losing someone. But what I hate more is the feeling of losing someone who loves me entirely without rules or regulations. If someone wants to leave you, because they can’t stand the fact that you’re being yourself with them, then, there is no reason to ask them to stay. Changing who you are and what you mean to others is never the way to go through life. Off course in your professional life there comes a time when change is inevitable, but in love, you don’t change what you love, you love what you love and hang on for dear life even if it means tears and even if it means life itself is slipping by your hand.
I had postponed writing this letter, to those who have ever left me, it is not for those who hated me, it is not for those who despised me, but for those who thought they loved me. Did they ever really did love me? If so why was I left behind? Because I refused to change who I was? Or is it because it was just not meant to be? Everything happens for a reason, but it’s not a reason to believe that we don’t need to work to gain what we want. To work is to understand no matter what. To work is to try no matter how scared you are. To work is never have to justify your actions and to work is find hope in the darkest places in life.
I had postponed writing this letter because I was not sure how I felt. I am, almost never sure. But I also realize that as much as I want to keep people I love close to me, they always end up leaving. My father once said to me that there will come a day when we would lose him, I had denied it to myself telling myself that my father was superman and that he would live forever, always there to hug me, hold me, comfort me, and be the strict, calm and confident man I have learned to admire. But the last lesson he taught me was simple, no matter how much someone loves you, there will come a time in life that they will leave, whether they leave you in death or they just decided to stop loving you, they will leave, but what matters most is how you cope with the feeling of losing someone.
I had postponed writing this letter because, because I had stopped living. I had forgotten the most important lesson my father taught me. The way that my father had left his last lesson was off course the way he left me and my family. My little brother (10 when my father died) always slept in fathers’ bed in my fathers’ clothes. I was angered at the fact that he had denied the fact he was gone. Then he said to me something that made me cry for the next few days. As I was beating him up angrily he said “because I can still hear him” I cried, because I realized that by admitting he was gone, I was killing him all over again. Then I realized, my father, a man who had loved unconditionally, left me with knowledge and that he was to live forever. But no, what’s lost is meant to be lost. He left, and he left behind a lot of things and I thank him for all the things he left behind and all the things I have today.
I had postponed writing this letter because I was sorry. I am sorry because I didn’t have the courage to change to save the people that I loved. I had always imagined that as I grew up I would get stronger and that I can protect everybody in my life. But I can’t.
I had postponed writing this letter because I am sorry for all the people that had loved me and was hurt by my unwillingness to change, for my unwillingness to state a commitment, for my unwillingness to be braver, for my unwillingness to make a decision.
I had written this letter because I know now that it’s time to move on. To let those who want to leave, to leave. Maybe, I’ll regret making such a decision but at least now, I’m braver, to let go, to let live, to make a decision and move on.